Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
