Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
