Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
