Have you finally orgasmed yet?
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
