I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
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