why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
