I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
