I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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