oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
did i just pee glitter
Randomize
