she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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