you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
