I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
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