my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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