you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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