My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
