At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
