There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
