we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
