she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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