God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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