I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
