I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
