I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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