Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
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