I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
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