I like to think it a success when the cops are called
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
