theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
