I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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