Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Randomize
