theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Randomize
