I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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