Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Randomize
