I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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