She said her name was "party"
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
