He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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