Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
