It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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