So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
