I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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