I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Randomize