Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
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