someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
