Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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