Soap is not a condiment
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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