I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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