I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
