I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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