i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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