i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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