went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
