No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
