Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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