I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
