Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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