When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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