i think my mom watched the whole time
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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