He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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