my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
