Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
