I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
