I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
