There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
