I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
