Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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