there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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