what day is it and did you see me today?
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize