I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
